Can you believe it, because I can’t. Making it to the 6th-month mark has genuinely felt like years. And I would like to apologize that I have not been more consistent in writing here. Not just to you, but to myself as this monumental moment in my life deserves to be documented so I can look back one day and proudly say “wow”

The last six months have truly been a whirlwind. On my social media, I tend to show just one side of my life. The happy, everything is amazing side. But truthfully it has been full of moments of stress so, forgive me for the rant but I have to release.

Learning Italian. Fuck. Me. Why am I not retaining anything? Why am I so bloody nervous to speak out loud and practice? It has me constantly going back to my elementary and high school days. Looking back, I don’t think I ever actively wanted to learn something unless it was something I could do with my hands and allowed me to escape from my reality. (Which, at that time, was worthy of escaping from – more on that in another blog) Am I escaping from reality now? I’m about to send myself into an existential crisis and ain’t nobody got time for that. My lack of Italian makes me feel like I am presenting myself in a way that I don’t care about immersing myself in the language, in turn- that makes me feel like shit and I spiral. But, as they say here “piano piano” .. slow slow.

Finances. Aiyaiyaiiii. Now. where do I begin? I came with savings and a hefty, fresh new credit card ready to be tapped. Girl, she’s been getting it from left, right and centre and at this 6-month mark, ironically, I’m feeling much tighter than before. Living here, in the grand scheme of things is cheap. It’s relatively easy to live within your means but coming from the Toronto mentality of “spend spend spend” I find myself at times falling into that pattern. This is not what growth looks like people. Acknowledging your bad habits but still keeping hold of them. However sometimes you just need a kick in the pants, a cheap glass of red and a smooth cig to relax, make a plan and put it into action. Lighting up now.

May 2025. This is something that genuinely keeps me up at night. I feel it in my heart that I want to stay here. I love it. The lightness I feel, the changes inside myself I am experiencing, and how each day is filled with these pure moments of beauty. I’m addicted. And I can’t fathom what the withdrawals will look like if I don’t stay. My one year working holiday visa is only valid for, yes, you guessed it – one year. My current option is to go back to Canada and reapply for a new working holiday visa. But that freaks me TF out. Why? What if I don’t get approved? Then what? This lil Virgo needs a heck of a lot more certainty than just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I am building a life here, a home here, friends and family here. I’m not ready to leave that.

Writing this out I can’t help but think back to my second month in, I thought to myself “What the fuck are you doing Jaid? You can’t do this.” I felt overwhelmed and stressed for many reasons, and contemplated going home but then the storm broke and everything worked out. I know that if I keep moving forward everything will work out as it should. Maybe today’s blog was a gentle reminder for myself and to others who are reading to not give up. Whatever heaviness you feel (I feel) it will lift, little by little.

Ciao for now xo.

Written by Jaid Newstead

October 24th, 2024