Love has been something I’ve always yearned to find. A lasting love in a partner who adores me as much as I adore them. Who isn’t afraid to communicate, to be vulnerable, to be passionate and kind. I’ve watched from the sidelines those who have found their peace in a person. Their own personal beam of sun that shines just as bright as them. It’s a beautiful thing. And again, it’s something I’ve always dreamed of having.

For whatever reason, finding that type of love in Toronto was very difficult for me (I’ve seen great success in others – kudos to you.) The mindset of your average Toronto city slicker is a concoction of late-night old-fashioned’s and paper planes, financial district fuck-boys and men that will never change their diapers filled with the rotting stench of consistent immaturity. This is one of the reasons leading up to my move why I had given up on the idea of finding my person. Also, I was leaving the country for a minimum of a year. However, I knew that during my Italian adventure, I wanted to leave my heart open in case someone was worthy enough to snatch it.

Now, dating here (in Italy,) has been quite interesting. It started off with a bang, literally. And you know, for me at the time of arrival that’s really what I needed. I wasn’t ready to actively date. Hell, I was still trying to figure out how to turn my gas-top stove on without frying my eyebrows off. But then I met someone and I thought – hey, maybe this could be something.

Hindset has allowed me to see that he wasn’t. He was a safety net of comfort in a place I had never been before. For that experience alone, I appreciate it. Because even though I was wrapped up in a whirlwind of lust for a month (which ended as quickly as it began) the final closing of that curtain was the moment that I really started to understand my purpose here. That I was not going to get into the same habits I had back home. Those habits? Looking at men and the idea of relationships through rose-coloured glasses and trying to conjure up a false narrative that paralleled fairy tales. In fact, I was going to just stick to myself. Get to know myself more, change old habits, and create new ones all while feeling empowered in the fortress of solitude I could comfortably hide behind.

But, don’t let these words fool you. That blanket of empowerment was threaded heavily with fear. An 800-thread count silk sheet of trust and abandonment issues. I hate it.

As I continue to age and have continued to date. That fear wraps itself tighter now. I notice it when I breathe, when I walk, and even when platonic words escape my lips. Especially now that I am living amongst a new culture of men. This opportunity to immerse myself in a new landscape of a different breed of men has my guard way up.

I have become aware of the trends here in Italy on how a man snags a woman. The smooth talk. The charm. The deep, soulful gazes. The words that speak louder than actions. The inconsistencies. The fiery passion that begs to lay starfish beneath my sheets. It’s something that I’ve wiped my hands clean from. Again, a chance to feel empowered in my own solitude.

But as I write this, at this very moment, I have a funny feeling that I am in the middle of a whirlpool of change. Will it be the best thing that’s ever happened to me, or will it be yet another tale of heartbreak?

Time will tell. Until then, stay tuned.

Written by Jaid.

September 19th, 2024.